Steven Seagal is being sued by his former assistant, Kayden Nguyen for allegedly sexually assaulting her with a shoe or something. I’m making some of that up…but I’m not sure which part. I’ve got a lot of things going on and I don’t have time to Google anything. The point to all of this is that she is pissed and he thinks he’s too cool. This is from RadarOnline.com:

The lawsuit by a former employee against Steven Seagal is on hold, after the star’s lawyer went into court Thursday with a motion to compel arbitration, RadarOnline.com has learned exclusively.

COURT DOCUMENT: See The Court Order

Top LA lawyer Marty Singer won an order to stay the lawsuit until a motion to move the entire matter to arbitration can be heard.

PHOTOS: Celebrity Cheaters

That motion is now scheduled for May 27. In addition, Seagal’s side agreed to stay their arbitration against Nguyen pending the hearing.

I think part of the problem is this outfit he is wearing while he is playing guitar. The only way this picture could be any more bizarre is if he was beating up some guys while on stage. That came out wrong…but you get the idea.

Bret Michaels of Poison, Rock of Love, and Celebrity Apprentice fame is in Critical Condition after a brain hemorrhage. Nothing funny here…just good wishes. The women of rock need you…and so do Donald Trump’s ratings.

Give up? If you guessed Lindsay Lohan…you win a digital copy of this photo. Yes, this is indeed Lindsay Lohan’s shoe coming out of a party this weekend. I’m thinking it’s probably just “baby powder”. I use that stuff all the time to get into my leather pants. Sometimes it just makes it easier. The worst part is the leather shirt…major chaffing. Well, I think we all learned a valuable lesson here. If you go into the bathroom and need to use “baby powder”…just remember that it might be slightly noticeable after wards.

Farrah Fawcett was totally robbed at the Academy Awards. (Insert your favorite trademark here) During the annual video montage of famous people who passed away…the good people at the Oscars basically gave the big finger to her fans and family by leaving her out. Pretty unbelievable. More unbelievable is that they didn’t nominate me for best song…I did an amazing rendition of “We didn’t start the fire” for Police Academy 8…but, alas it was overlooked. I’m not sure which hurts more.

Corey Haim passed away this week, but the bigger question was how? Also, why do I keep losing socks in the dryer? We may never know either answer. (We will actually from after the toxicology reports)  But, he was a talented kid actor who wanted a better life for himself. If there is one lesson in all of this is this…Just say no. Not just to drugs, but to bad reality shows…that stuff will really kill you.

Kendra Wilkinson announced she is getting a breasts reduction. Hugh Hefner was quoted as saying “WTF?” Not really. I just made that up. But her entire fan base did say this, “Arrrrgggghhhhhh!!!”. I made that up too…but I’m pretty much paraphrasing what everyone is thinking. No offense, but I’m pretty sure this is a bad idea. The whole thing just seems like an evil plot from some genius in an underwater lair stroking his white kitten. Maybe I’m being dramatic.

Jennifer Love Hewitt seen here acting either ridiculous or like herself…that’s your choice…wrote a book. I would look up the title, but that would mean opening up a new window on this browser and that seems way too time consuming. It has to do with love and cupid and whatever nonsense she was thinking. In the big picture, I’m just glad she made time from her busy schedule to help us all out with our relationship issues. She’s like Dr. Phil…if Dr. Phil could see dead people…and had this wig on.

It looks like Lindsay has found herself a new boyfriend. And by boyfriend, I mean a very older fashion designer by the name of Roberto Cavalli. Very classy. And by classy I mean totally not classy. This is opposite day. Whatever is white is now black and vice versa. I’m hoping to bring the world together…or at least bring pictures of Lindsay making out with everyone.

I know this might be a bit of a shocker to some of you, but not all of Heidi Pratt’s body parts are real. No, I’m not talking about her cranium. I’m talking about other things. It seems like Heidi took it upon herself to get some new surgery that is featured in People Magazine. I’m not going to go into too many details, but lets just say she might need some back support and some new shirts. I was going to post what she looks like now, but I just kind of feel this sums it up.

WWTD has a fantastic story today about Julia Roberts. Supposedly, this letter was sent to them by one of Julia Robert’s neighbor. Awesome.

I would normally never email anything about  a celebrity like this, but I love you and I am Julia Robert’s neighbor on Grayfox in Point Dume and steam is coming out of my ears right now.  For the second time in a month she has flipped me off driving down my own street in Malibu like some crazy botoxed homeless person.  She then proceeded to wait for me as i came back out of my gate from my OWN home and berate me in front of my 10 year old daughter when i asked her what her problem was.  Apparently she has some defunct radar detector in the back of her head since the speed limit on my street is 25 mph and i was doing MAYBE 20.  I know this because there was a huge truck blocking most of the road and i had to slow to almost a stop to get past it and when i saw her i was really aware of my speed since she’d flipped me off a few weeks ago while she was jogging with her trainer at 8 in the morning.  She informed me i was speeding and accused me of almost running over her dog.  when i told her i absolutely was not, she said “oh-then i guess you’re on top of the situation” with all this nasty sarcasm.  Her old ugly dog she didn’t have on a leash walked right up to my right tire and thank god i wasn’t speeding or i would have ran right over it.  I guess when Julia Roberts walks down the street you’re not allowed to even drive on it! But the fact that she could see my 10 year old daughter in my car and she still had the gall to yell at me and accuse me of speeding in an attempt to run over her dog is unreal to me.  Doesn’t she have husbands to steal or something?  On on top of this, several of her neighbors have been threatening to sue her for the trees she recently planted and the disgusting, ugly, illegal old gulfstream trailer she keeps on her property for her gardeners or other underlings to use since god forbid her gardeners keep their tools in her garage and actually look at her without her say so.  She also leaves her garbage cans in the middle of the street for weeks because she is never in town for very long and obviously her gardeners don’t really feel like doing anything for her in her absence.  The entire street loathes her.  Most of us are locals and I for one have not only lived here my whole life but so has my family and my daughter was born and raised here.  She needs to go back to New Mexico where there is enough room for her giant cunty ego!!!!!!!

Wow. I think we should start a celebrity death match series live on television and feature Celebrities and their very pissed off neighbors. I think the first episode should be these two with the next episode focusing on Courtney Love’s neighbor.