Rawwwwrrrrrr!

If you’re like me, you’ve had enough of the Tiger Woods news. So, let’s just make this a snow day….with tigers….playing golf. It could happen. Also, I could go back in time to 1960’s and become the fifth Beatle. That could happen too…if I could develop a time machine from a Delorean. The world is full of if’s and maybe’s…but the only known truth is that Tiger Woods likes two things….golf and sexting. See how I made it all come full circle…that’s not just lazy writing folks…that’s called working for the man.

Jude Law Wins Father of The Year

Jude Law is really a great dad…and I mean that with all the sarcasm that is allowed legally through blogging. It turns out that he had a child with a one night stand that he hasn’t even met yet. Sophia was born over two months ago. Two months!  Just to put that in perspective…at least Jon Gosselin has met all of his kids and he might be the biggest jackass father around. Well, at least he has time to pick up more girls. I think he’s planning to have his own reality show 10 years from now. I think it should be called Jude Plus all of The Consequences From My One Night Stands. It’s going to be a huge hit. We should run it right before The Housewives of Fake Baked County.

Britney Makes Good Choices

It should come as no surprise that Britney Spears has really good taste and always does the right thing…which is why it shouldn’t shock you that she is planning on getting married again. This time the lucky guy is Jason Trawick…who according to OK Magazine is “her boyfriend”. I can’t really verify that any of this is true and frankly it doesn’t really matter very much at this point. You could pretty much say on the cover of any magazine that Britney is in love with an Ostrich and is having a honeymoon in Iraq…and it all would be totally believable. But, in the end…love is all that matters. That and a really good pre-nup.

Awwwwwww

Sounds like the big news today is Oprah is quitting her show in 2011. Well, La-Te-Da. Tons of people retire or just lose their jobs every day. You don’t see them making a big ta-doo about the whole thing. They don’t go on national television holding back tears the whole time. Of course, most of those people don’t have a billion or two lying around when they do it…but you get the drift. Since everyone always does what Oprah does…I think everyone should retire. That would be a really cool world. Just everyone rocking back and forth staring off their porch…bored out of their minds sipping on a pina colada. But, then one day, aliens come down and tell everyone that they’ve been chosen for an experiment. When everyone in the world wakes up after a long weekend…they find themselves outside by their front door wearing only suspenders and a tutu. I’m pretty sure that’s how it happened to me in college…that’s what I told the Dean anyway.

Some Girl Makes A Video

Tila Tequila made a video that is all over the internet today. She appears drunk, rambles on about nothing, tries to strip while falling over couches…basically my average Saturday night. The point is…who really cares. I mean besides the fact that she’s totally naked in it. This is all that’s wrong with the internet…first the Balloon Boy and now this. That’s why I’m making a law for it to be absolutely illegal for anyone to use the internet again when they use it to make a jackass of themselves. I think this could work…I think we should also take the internet away from Al Gore…because he just makes me feel bad every time I drive my car and frankly he invented it…so he can just build another one.

Will Ferrell Makes Too Much Money

I don’t know what any of this means, but Will Ferrell supposedly is one of the top totally overpaid actors according to Forbes Magazine:

Ferrell took first place largely due to the flop of his summer 2009 movie “Land of the Lost”, which Forbes said cost an estimated $100 million to make but earned just $65 million at box offices worldwide for movie studio Universal Pictures.

The movie followed a disappointing $43 million box office for Ferrell’s 2008 outing “Semi-Pro”, and $128 million for “Step Brothers”.

Using a formula that calculated the actor’s estimated salary on each film, including DVD and TV sales, compared to the film’s revenues from theater box offices and elsewhere, Forbes.com said that for every dollar Ferrell was paid, his films earned an average $3.29.

All I know is the guy makes me laugh. He just has to run down the street in his underwear and for me, that equals serious chuckles. Personally, I would rather run down the street in an green neon jumpsuit being chased by overgrown chickens…that’s what makes the kids laugh nowadays. Believe me, I know entertainment. Give me a sock puppet, a bunch of bananas and some lighter fluid…today’s audience likes that element of danger mixed in with their comedy. That’s why I’m also challenging Chris Angel to a street fight…but he has to be blindfolded so he can’t use that mind freak stuff…also, he has to be strapped to a chair…that seems fair.

Make Your Own Michael Jackson

So, some crazy dude on Ebay just put up the rights to a full 3D scan of Michael Jackson that he supposedly has in his possession for 1.5 million dollars. That seems totally reasonable. Until you realize that someone could actually recreate a fully realized Michael Jackson…then it becomes totally scary. I don’t think anyone should have that much power. Didn’t anyone see Jurassic Park!!! That did not turn out well. Look what happened to Jeff Goldblum in that movie? Do we want Michael Jackson to end up like Jeff Goldblum…wait, give me a minute to think about that. It would be pretty cool to have Michael Jackson star in The Fly. I don’t think we would even need to make the transitional special effects of the fly…we could just have it just be regular Michael Jackson the whole time and it would still be believable.

Lucky

I know what you’re saying to yourself…how did Jim not win this? I know my wife is asking the same thing right now…I have no doubt…am I right…uh, hello…(crickets). I just don’t understand how this guy is so special. Anyone can have a gazillion dollars and become a great accomplished actor. Just ask William Shatner. You don’t see the old Captain Kirk making sexiest man alive! Why?! Discrimination! If we voted for Obama…why can’t we vote for Shatner! That’s why I’m creating a petition to make William Shatner the sexiest man alive for next year. Just sign right here on this napkin…I just need to find about 2 million more napkins and we can fight discrimination together! (Also, by signing this napkin you waive all rights to your automobile and next of kin.)

Do Not Loan Nicolas Cage Any Money

Nicolas Cage is going through money faster then Lindsay Lohan in the Viper Bar bathroom. We’re talking serious money. One manager told him that he needs to earn at least $30 million a year to keep up with his lavish lifestyle. I only need $24 million. My hair weave is very expensive. Speaking of hair weaves, this picture of Nicolas Cage is from a very rare photograph of test footage taken when Nicolas Cage was going to star as Superman with Tim Burton directing. Kind of glad that didn’t happen. I don’t think I could take Nick Cage flying around going, “Put the bunny back in the box!” (That’s from Con Air by the way)

So, This Isn’t Creepy Or Anything…

Brazilian lingerie company “Lindelucy” has developed the first piece of romantic underwear with GPS. Awesome…because nothing says “I love you” more then saying “I need to know where you are 24 hours a day because I am a stalker and completely crazy.” I made that last bit of marketing lingo up…but you get the drift. I don’t think this is a good idea at all….unless you’re playing hide and seek and have no idea which closet your partner is hiding in. This just screams big mistake to me…but I could be wrong. I know I’m not Mr. Romantic…but I did give flowers to a girl once. They were plastic and I bought them in a used store…but it’s the thought that counts. They call me the Girl Whisperer.